So, I guess it's time to break out my "mommy" issues. I don't have typical mother issues. Mine are a little different. My mom was everything to me, she stayed at home when I was young, so she and I were very close. She always challenged me to think about things, and to try different stuff. She was also old school Catholic, so she was pretty set in her beliefs. She tried to raise me with the same values and beliefs she was raised with, but I never took to the faith the way she did. I wanted to, I really did, but I could never fully embrace it the way she did. Although through my early teenage years, I know I believed that heaven was out there, waiting for me, along with all the people I'd lost that would be waiting for me in the afterlife.
When I was in my mid 20s, we started to notice she was forgetting things, little things, but things she had done forever. She would tell the same stories that she had told minutes before. She would turn the burner on the stove on, and leave it so the ignition was still clicking. She would leave the teakettle on, well after it boiled. She suddenly didn't want to have company over, as she could not seem to clean the house, or remember her recipes for dishes that she had made a thousand times. She went to her Doctor, who ran a battery of tests. I remember her and my dad telling me, he told them that it was definitely not Alzheimer's disease. That was a big relief, but what could it be? My sister, a registered nurse, urged them to go to a neurological specialist to run tests. They did and everyone awaited the results.
So a month or so later, I am sitting at my desk at work when the phone rings. It was my parents neighbor, Peter, who said hello. He then told me he was sorry to hear about my mom. I asked why, and he told me " because of her Alzheimer's". My jaw just dropped, and I have no recollection of what was said after that, I just know my heart sank. Over the next several months, it got progressively worse, to the point where she wanted to call the police on my dad because she didn't recognize him. He was already taking care of my grandma, who was in her 90s and starting to show signs of dementia. She regressed pretty quickly from there, to where he had to put her in a nursing home. The first time I saw her there, she looked terrible, confused and she had no idea who I was. Someone asked if I was her grandson, and she said yes. My heart ached, seeing her like this.
Soon after this, I met my wife, and brought her and my future son to meet my mom. It was hard for me to see her like this, she now had no idea who i was all the time. But when she saw my son, he made her smile. If only for a second. I had a similar experience after my daughter was born. She was about 6 mos old, and she was sitting in my lap, my mom to the left of us. She couldn't understand why this person would not pay attention to her. She was used to everyone smiling at her, so she reached across me, and grabbed my mom's hand, forcing her to lock eyes. It took a second, but my mom just stared back into her eyes and smiled. I cried right there on the spot, and its the last time I recall her having a real emotional moment.
The following November, I received a call from my father, as they had taken her to the emergency room. She was having complications with breathing. There was a DNR in place, and I could tell from his tone that it was going to be over soon. They took her back to the nursing home, and tried to make her as comfortable as possible. We all knew it would be over soon, and within a few days, it was. I was with her at the end, and I am glad I was. My hope, my wish, my prayer, is that she knew we were there with her at the end. I miss her so much. I wish I could talk to her now.
I can tell by the way you talked about your mother that you loved her and cared about her so much. It was a very moving tribute to recognize her life; we take it for granted but those days, months and years that are the most difficult are just as important to honor. I recently was talking to my aunt about a moment I had- it was a time warp. For what seemed to be an indeterminate amount of time, someone I loved was still with me. During this time warp, in my head I thought, oh, she's writing me this letter because she feels better finally! And then just like that, the time warp ended and I realized that her life here was over. My aunt said something beautiful about that. She said that in whatever way she springs to mind, whatever way her essence is revealed to you, that is her way of communicating with you. So, I hope that when you are going about your day, and you see someone smile, or you look at something that suddenly makes you feel her presence you allow yourself to accept that she is here with you, standing next to you, and waiting for you to talk to her. Bless you.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful story, thank you so much for sharing it.
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