Here I go...

I don't know what has possessed me to do this. If I wasn't already convinced that I was out of my mind, then putting myself out there like this has got to be the proof of my insanity that I was looking for. I am fast approaching 40 (which I believe is the new 30), have undertaken a lifestyle change to become healthier for the past 9 months; married to a smart, successful, beautiful woman; and father to 3 amazing kids that fill me with love and pride and a million other emotions all at once. These are not the things that define me, although they should be the things to define me. What seems to define, consume, and control me to a great extent is my constant fear of death, including what happens after.

If you asked anyone other than my wife and about three people in my life on a regular basis, they would be surprised to hear this about me. Outward appearances show me as a "Regular Guy", I work in sales, have a side job as a deejay, try to be engaging and funny (stemming from a unfulfilled attempt at stand up comedy in my late 20s) and otherwise appear very happy, trying to carry on with a smile on my face. I love to laugh, I like making people laugh, so I think it would be a shock to people to find out how badly this affects me.

My fear encompasses the thought of death, and I obsess about it in many different ways. The thing that I think about the most is that after I die, there is a possibility that I will cease to exist on any level. Just a rotting corpse in the ground. Will I be able to "see" my kids, my wife...reconnect with loved ones I've lost? I don't know. It really scares me. I don't know what comes next. I was raised Catholic, around my mid 20s I realized I had not yet had that "leap of faith" moment that cemented me in my faith. I wanted so badly to believe that I would be taken somewhere after, but I could never just let myself believe that would happen. I wish I believed, I want to believe, I just don't know.

This is not a blog to knock religion in any way. I don't have an agenda to bash different faiths. On the contrary, I envy people who do believe, it must be comforting. Hopefully, I can find other people who share this, and see what they've done. I've talked to two psychiatrists and a few psychologists, I have yet to find an answer. My lifestyle change makes me feel like I'm just delaying the inevitable. I am so scared that when I leave my kids everyday, I have to let them know how much I love them, because I feel like I could be taken away at anytime. As time goes on, I will try and explain more and more of the thoughts that I live with, and hopefully someone will take time to read this.